Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think your dad took our porno
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
