i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
