i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Randomize
