she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
