around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The best revenge is premature balding
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize