So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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