Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think your dad took our porno
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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