You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
