On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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