so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
