he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
