i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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