Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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