Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
