You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
