I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
