You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
