i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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