What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize