is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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