I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize