In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
barbara walters just said penis...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
