I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
operation have a gay friend backfired
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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