what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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