I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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