you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
True but thats because hes a fetus.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
