Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize