get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
