I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize