You're my little dorito
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
