Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
