we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize