She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
