i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
