I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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