I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
