my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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