I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize