Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
