The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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