She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
