I just threw up on my dentist
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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