His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He passed out mid-signature
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
