im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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