Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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