We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
