If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize