if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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