Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
