Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
