I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He better not be in your backpack
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
