I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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