i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She's the barista slut.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
