I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
