I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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