thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
